Background: Because candidates are now filing to run for office in the upcoming 2014 elections, I figured this was a good time to dig out one of my columns on political expressions.
In fact, I would consider this one of my "top ten" columns, based on feedback that I received from people when it was originally printed in the newspaper. During the next couple months, I'm going to try and dig out my other "top ten" columns and post them on this blog. They are columns that people took the time to stop me on the street afterwards, and tell me the column made them laugh or chuckle in some fashion.
Coming on the heels of the longest legislative session in Oregon history, many political candidates are now gearing up for next year's elections: the May 2004 primary and the November 2004 general election.
In order to help the public stay well-informed, I've compiled the following list of expressions that you're likely to hear coming from the mouths of political candidates during the next twelve months. Accompanying the quotes is an interpreation of what's actually being said.
It's always dangerous to put something in print, because one's critics may someday dig up something you've said and distort one's message out of context. So, let me just say this is done tongue in cheek. If you see a shred of truth in what's printed below, that's great. Otherwise, take it for what it's worth: one political pundit's observations.
INCUMBENTS---
* "It's important to vote for me because I work as a team player with the other elected officials."
What they're really saying: "I go along with what the other bureaucrats are doing and do what they tell me to do."
* "I'm the candidate with the most experience at working in government."
What they're really saying: "It's important to keep bureaucrats in office, because the average person isn't capable of understanding the complexities of running the government."
* "I've got some unfinished business that I would like to see completed."
What they're really saying: "I've been unable to accomplish my goals in the 24 years I've been in office, so you might as well keep re-electing me to see if I'm ever successful."
* "It's important to put families first families first, make sure we have adequate police protection, and a well-funded school system to prepare our children for our future."
What they're really saying: "I like to say things that sound nice and get me votes, without actually explaining how I'm going to accomplish those nice goals. I'll be happy to kiss your baby if there's a camera nearby."
NEW CANDIDATES---
* "It's important to vote for me becaue we need some new blood in office."
What they're really saying: "I think the incumbent stinks, but I'm afraid to say what I really feel because I don't want anybody to accuse me of negative campaigning."
* "It's time for a change."
What they're really saying: "The incumbent has had his/her turn getting rich from the taxpayer slopping trough. Now it's my turn to be slopped."
UNIQUE TO DOUGLAS COUNTY CANDIDATES---
(Note: Douglas County Commissioner elections have changed to non-partisan races since this column was originally printed.)
* "I'm the Republican candidate."
What they're really saying: "I'm the candidate who is going to win the race."
* "I'm the Democrat candidate."
What they're really saying: "I'm the token candidate who threw my name into the ring at the last moment, just ot make sure our party's name was on the ballot."
* "I'm the Independent candidate."
What they're really saying: "I'm the candidate who has a bone to pick with how Douglas County government is run, but I can't get nominated by either one of the major parties."
* "I'm the candidate who is for private property rights."
What they're really saying: "I'm the candidate who wants to see prime farm pastureland torn up and replaced with building developments. My goal is to make the I-5 corridor through Douglas County one brig strip mall."
* "I've turned campaigning into a full-time job meeting the local voters."
What they're really saying: "I'm independently wealthy, so I don't have to worry about working a regular job while I schmooze the local voters."
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