My purpose in writing this column is not to shame anyone. Instead, I hope the advice or suggestions that Couric, and myself, have for people who want to help cancer patients will provide some insight on how to do that.
Never Say "If There Is Anything I Can Do For You, Let Me Know"
According to Couric, people need to be specific in what type of help they're able to provide. Instead of making a vague offer, be assertive and let the cancer patient know what you're prepared to do.Examples:
"I would like to buy some groceries for you. What time on Monday would be convenient for me to come by and pick up a shopping list?"
"I have the time to do some partial yard work. What is the most important work that needs done, and what day would be convenient to come by?"
"I'm limited on money myself, but I am able to drive and do a few errands for you. Are there upcoming doctors' appointments that I could drive you to? Or, if you have the money and a shopping list, I would be happy to drive into town and buy your groceries for a week or two."
"I'm short on money myself, but I would like to make a one-time contribution of $25 ($50, $100, whatever) to help you out. Would that be all right?" (Stating "one time" assures the contributor that the recipient shouldn't expect ongoing help.)
By being specific with what type of help a person is able and willing to provide, it gives the cancer patient a precise idea on how a person can help. Speaking from personal experience, I do not feel comfortable asking people for help, without knowing what they're able to do. Is the elderly person who makes the offer to help, able to come mow the yard? Buy groceries? Drive to doctors' appointments?
By keeping quiet and not asking for help, it saves the embarrassment of a cancer patient asking someone to do them a favor when they're not in a position to do the specific task that needs done.
I'm Not Shy. I've Just Been "Burned" Enough To Want To Avoid Awkward Moments.
The few times where I've taken the initiative and have asked for help have been open-ended. For example, anticipating that I would need help after an upcoming surgery, I posted a Facebook entry, stating that I would need help buying groceries, mowing the yard, etc., after I returned home from the hospital, This gave people who wanted to help the opportunity to come forward and tell me precisely what type of help they could provide. People would couldn't provide me assistance didn't have to reply to my Facebook posting; they weren't put on the spot by me directly asking them for help.
Many people came forward with offers of various kinds of help, and I am eternally grateful to those who did! I appreciate their compassion and sacrifices! However, there were a few people who gave me the silent treatment and left me wondering why they had come forward to begin with.
1.) One person said they would be more than happy to buy me groceries when I came home from the hospital. I offered to pay for the groceries. After I arrived home, I e-mailed the person a short list of about six-eight items and said I could use them during the coming week, if they were still available to get me groceries.
There was no response. Several days went by, and I finally found someone else to buy the groceries. I e-mailed the person again and told them not to worry about getting me groceries that week, because I had found someone else to do it. There was no response to that e-mail either.
Compounding the issue, this same person had also offered to organize a summer fundraiser for me to help pay for my medical bills. I had never mentioned such an idea; it originated solely from the person. To this day, I have not had any communication with them.
Moral Of The Story: If you make a pledge to help someone out, either follow through with that pledge or send them a message, apologizing that your situation has changed, and you can no longer help them presently. Don't leave the person hanging in the dark for weeks, wondering whether or not you're going to come through for them
2.) Another person offered to cut my grass. A short while after I returned from the hospital, I sent the person a message, telling them that the grass was the perfect height to cut, if they were still able to do it. Several weeks went by (as the grass grew taller) and the person eventually e-mailed me, apologizing for being late, but it was because they had been busy at work.
The person wanted to come the next weekend to cut the grass. I told them that would be fine, and if something came up to prevent them from doing it, that was okay...just let me know. The person never showed up to cut the grass that weekend or any other day.
Moral Of The Story: If you make a pledge to do something and have to delay the plans for awhile, let the person know, so that they have time to make other arrangements if necessary. And if you have to cancel altogether, send them a message to let them know...instead of allowing a problem (grass growing taller and becoming more difficult to cut) in becoming more difficult to address.
3.) Another person offered to pay for a newspaper subscription. I sent them the information they needed to know to make the transfer complete: my name, address, phone number of newspaper's circulation department. The person said they would contact the newspaper and have the paper take my monthly newspaper bill out of their checking account. I made it clear to the person that I didn't expect this to be a long-term arrangement, and to please let me know if the time came that they were no longer able to pay for my paper.
One month went by. The newspaper company was still deducting money from my account. I contacted the person to let them know. I was less concerned in their paying for my newspaper, than I was in the newspaper "double dipping" the same subscription bill from two different accounts. The person told me he was sorry, and that was going by the newspaper office the next day, and would straighten everything out.
A second month went by. The newspaper was still deducting money from my account. I contacted the person to let them know, but this time they never replied back. I finally decided to contact the newspaper myself, to find out if my account had another person paying for the paper. The answer was no; there was no notation on my account that anyone had ever called to pay for my subscription.
Moral Of The Story: If you offer to help out a person with a financial need, either keep your pledge or let the cancer patient know that circumstances have changed and you're no longer able to help out. Don't leave the person in the dark for months, and create problems for their limited budget, because the cancer patient has budgeted for one thing, but rudely discovers at the last moment that the finances are different.
Dozens Of People Have Helped Beyond The Call Of Duty
I don't want the actions of a few bad apples to diminish all of the good that has been done by countless people. I have turned down some people who have offered to help me with certain tasks, simply because I didn't need help with that particular task at the moment. All I'm saying is that just because I may turn down some offers for help, doesn't mean that I don't need assistance from those whom I have accepted offers of assistance.
Neither Katie Couric (based on the article that I read) nor myself want to pressure people to help out. I realize that everyone has limited resources and are not always in a position to help others. All I'm saying is:1.) If you offer to help someone with cancer, carry through with your pledge, or have the decency to contact the person to let them know, so that other arrangements can be made.
2.) Instead of making vague offers of assistance, be specific with what you can do, so that the cancer patient is better prepared to know when to ask you for help.
No comments:
Post a Comment